{"id":24166,"date":"2017-02-21T04:00:36","date_gmt":"2017-02-21T03:00:36","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.maihua.fr\/en\/?p=24166"},"modified":"2017-02-20T22:13:43","modified_gmt":"2017-02-20T21:13:43","slug":"future-ex-perfectionniste","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/archives.maihua.fr\/en\/2017\/02\/future-ex-perfectionniste\/","title":{"rendered":"Future ex-Perfectionnist"},"content":{"rendered":"

Hello ya all<\/span>,<\/p>\n

wanted to talk about this thing that is really important to me.\u00a0 The desire for perfection<\/strong>.\u00a0 I mean the one that I have been practicing (because it is actually offered under many different shapes).<\/span><\/p>\n

I just read a book about vulnerability; I will get back to it, where the author Bren\u00e9 Brown speaks succinctly about the ideal of perfection, the ideal that is not the one of excellence.\u00a0 The perfection comes from the need of outside validation and the excellence is from the desire of doing the best we can as depending on your own value<\/strong>.<\/span><\/p>\n

Perfection is without a doubt a trap in which many of us are falling into unintentionally and if my experience can help a few to change direction, then that would be good.\u00a0 This post is also for a few of us (I wanted to write \u201cyou\u201d of course but will leave this revealing slip where it belongs) who have asked\u00a0me about this question of \u201chow to stop being\/act like a little girl\u201d<\/strong> because many little girls, and I was one of them, grow up with the idea that they had to be perfect.<\/span><\/p>\n

To match the expectation of others\u00a0(being beautiful, intelligent, funny, humble, or even, imperfect\u2026 codes are evolving) is a trap in many ways.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

1- i built myself like a shell, that was perfect but empty.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Obviously I wasn\u2019t empty but it took me 30 years to understand and to go check out what was \u201cinside.\u201d\u00a0 Spending my time to be performant\u00a0was my favorite sport.\u00a0 And I was incredibly good at it<\/strong> (yes, otherwise it doesn\u2019t work right?!)\u00a0 At the same time it was a matter of survival.\u00a0 And yes kids take these things very much at heart\u2026 then I could only invest in fields where I performed extremely well (school, my look). \u00a0Impossible however to read because I found myself too slow, impossible to sing because someone told me I sounded off tune, Impossible to play croquet until I was 30 years old because I couldn\u2019t bear the idea of missing the arches.\u00a0 (Holy crap I was severely challenged).\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

2-\u00a0I thought that being successful was to be \u201camiable.\u201d<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

So if the goal, unconscious is to perform then that means that unconsciously there is a valorization system (that is indeed exterior) to validate performance.\u00a0 At 28 years old, I was married with a man I loved, intelligent, successful and magnificent.\u00a0 I was beautiful, kind, helpful and pregnant.\u00a0 I had diplomas and I was sufficiently free to leave L\u2019Or\u00e9al to go back to school.\u00a0 More importantly for\u00a0creative studies.\u00a0 Everything was lining-up. Everything was perfect.\u00a0 And I was so happy.\u00a0 And without challenging either the sincerity of my actions or my feelings, I was fulfilled because it was, still unconsciously, a\u00a0series of achievements \u00a0that were making me \u201cobjectively amiable\u201d.<\/strong>\u00a0 This is where I talk to the little girl which maybe you can\u2019t seem to leave behind:\u00a0 a child only needs one thing:\u00a0 to be loved.\u00a0 So the desire of perfection is basically a desire to be loved.\u00a0<\/strong> This is why we continue, it is because we believe it the way we could be loved. but be careful if that works as a child, then once we become an adult\u2026 hehehe things are getting more complicated because\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

3-\u00a0The perfect child becomes a potentially toxic adult.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

To think that perfection opens the gates of love is a false idea.\u00a0 Because if you read the previous paragraph again, it was mostly the gates of my ego that I was opening.\u00a0 Do you know the saying \u201ctoo big for your own boots?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Well whist\u00a0I found myself frankly amiable (yep everything was perfect. Per-fect!).\u00a0 When in fact I was absolutely detestable.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

\n

Because where the ego is large\u2026 the consciousness and therefore the Other is necessarily very small.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

 <\/p>\n

T\u00e2m was born and it became even worst:\u00a0 well yes she was perfect!\u00a0 We often think that people who \u201caren\u2019t well\u201d are tortured and cry all day.\u00a0 Well, no I was frankly in a bad way and frankly happy.\u00a0 I mean no, I wasn\u2019t happy, but I thought I was.\u00a0 I felt something of the order of an immense satisfaction, very powerful and of protection as well. (Since I was unassailable?) Yes that\u2019s it, my head was too big and I lost touch<\/strong> with reality.<\/span><\/p>\n

So what should happen happened.\u00a0 My two best friends came one day to tell me \u201cwe don\u2019t recognize you, you have become incredibly egocentric<\/strong>, we are fed-up and hurt, do you even realize that you said and did this, this and that?!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

And all of sudden, this arrow pierced me, and all of sudden I saw.\u00a0 This, this and that too.\u00a0 And all of sudden\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n

… De-vas-ta-tion.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

<\/span>4-\u00a0Not being totally perfect but being totally lost.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

What followed was a 6-month depression where I cried night and day, I was devastated for 3 reasons. T\u00e2m was 2 months and he didn\u2019t deserve that. This was the most awful but let’s not\u00a0spread on that. <\/span><\/p>\n

The 2 others reasons concerned more directly to the conflict and the object of my post.\u00a0 The first was because my friends were hurt due to me and the idea of being responsible for it was unbearable.\u00a0 But the second evidently was an ego wound. I couldn\u2019t stand the idea that they thought \u201cthis\u201d of me.\u00a0 No I wasn\u2019t a bad person.<\/span><\/p>\n

Because you weren\u2019t allowed to think negatively of me.\u00a0 I who was doing everything great, who validated anything.<\/span><\/p>\n

However\u2026 light came on in the cave.\u00a0 And it was all but pretty.\u00a0 A whole world was crumbling.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

5- The relapses<\/strong><\/p>\n

A whole world takes time to rebuild itself, so we do and redo the same mistakes before we fully comprehend. I then didn\u2019t wait long:\u00a0 right away.<\/span><\/p>\n

I then came back with a long and beautiful letter.\u00a0 Taking consideration of this double devastation.\u00a0 Or evidently, the second part was practically taking the entirety of the letter (since my ego was taking my entirety)(logical) where I was \u201cjustifying my results.\u201d\u00a0 Do you see where I am heading?<\/span><\/p>\n

I didn\u2019t understand.\u00a0 So they answered me: \u201cyou don\u2019t understand.\u201d It was so painful. But it was justified and life saving!<\/span><\/p>\n

Because at this time, there is one thing that nobody cares about, it\u2019s your (high) opinion (of yourself); what counts is your actions.\u00a0<\/span>It\u2019s your actions that shows who you are.\u00a0 Not your opinion.\u00a0 And if someone tells you \u201cyou are hurting me\u201d and that you respond \u201cI am a good person.\u201d, you can see that the action is off base, and still toxic<\/strong> (because while not talking about the pain of the other, you are in denial!).\u00a0 Ah the beautiful letter!\u00a0 I should have instead written an ordinary mail\u00a0that simply said “how are you?\u00a0 I am so sorry and ask for your forgiveness. \u00a0thank you for being sincere. I miss you and I love you, and I want to do everything to make amends.\u00a0 Forgive me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

But of course such a message is only possible if the ego wound has been healed beforehand which wasn\u2019t the case.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

6-\u00a0Grow<\/strong><\/p>\n

They didn\u2019t let go.\u00a0 Me neither and we were finally agreeing: \u00a0the issue was not on them, the issue was not our relationship, the issue was me. or at least a part of me.\u00a0It was like an inner battle between my two selfs: my ego and everything else. this “everything else being my deep sorrow and maybe… my values. Who was I deep down?<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

Because despite the pain, what really saved me, us, were my uncompromising friends and my deep love for them:\u00a0 their wellbeing truly mattered to me. It was our affection and our mutual sadness too.\u00a0 Because at least it was true. And<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\n

the truth, as painful as it can be, is still the only space deserving to rebuild a relationship.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

 <\/p>\n

It happened a few times after this episode that I acted in an egotistic manner, by lack of consciousness, of discernment:\u00a0 and consequently 11 years went by to really comprehend what happened, to peel off the layers, to revisit and to find words.\u00a0 Profound changes take time.<\/p>\n

And today my ego hasn\u2019t totally vanished, we\u2019ll talk about it again, but I learn to tame this dark side of me, at least in recognizing it when it surfaces (well as soon as the feeling of power comes back).<\/p>\n

The ego is not bad in itself either.\u00a0 I wouldn\u2019t be doing everything that I am doing here without a minimum of ego, but well\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n

But if it is easier for to get my ego to the right place, i still suffer from the “perfectionistis”, in other shapes, with other traps. once again profound changes take time.<\/p>\n

\n

But this painful episode made me grow and I think that one must accept the pain if one\u00a0want change, because building is so strong that it cannot be shattered in gentleness.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\n

I would even say that this episode saved my life, because it valued my very essence beyond my (dys) function.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

 <\/p>\n

And I don\u2019t know anything more precious than to look, to listen to the Other. I have hunger for her, of the present time which presents itself to us like a gift, my turn to feed them, as well.<\/span><\/p>\n

and my friends are still there, and our bond is so strong, because it is so true.<\/p>\n

In any case if you recognize some signs (yes, frankly it is an illness), for yourself or your closed ones (your daughters?) well know that it\u2019s urgent to do something, for yourself like for the Other.\u00a0 Because this Other, is precisely where love is possible, true and great.\u00a0 And this Other, could be your friend, your child, your soul sister… or yourself indeed \u00a0We all have a responsibility toward our own kind. \u00a0This world of perceived perfection is a world of illusion and life won\u2019t miss an opportunity to let you know.<\/span><\/p>\n

I especially would like to tell you that there is an after and much more, that you are \u201cworth\u201d much more than that\u2026<\/strong> if there is the desire to change.\u00a0 And that even if nothing holds its value in the same way afterwards, if it is never “perfectly” over, it\u2019s much more beautiful. \u00a0It is a picture where you accept to look so awful because it makes us laugh so so much. It\u2019s 11 years later, some chocolate on T\u00e2m\u2019s teeth, it\u2019s simply\u2026 life!<\/span><\/p>\n

Thousand of kisses.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Hello ya all, wanted to talk about this thing that is really important to me.\u00a0 The desire for perfection.\u00a0 I mean the one that I have been practicing (because it is actually offered under many different shapes). I just read a book about vulnerability; I will get back to it, where the author Bren\u00e9 Brown … Continue reading Future ex-Perfectionnist<\/span> →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":24159,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1169,1177],"tags":[1174,1325],"class_list":["post-24166","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-diary-en","category-mai-journey","tag-mai-hua-en","tag-perfectionnisme-en"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/archives.maihua.fr\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24166","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/archives.maihua.fr\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/archives.maihua.fr\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/archives.maihua.fr\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/archives.maihua.fr\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=24166"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/archives.maihua.fr\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24166\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":24180,"href":"https:\/\/archives.maihua.fr\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24166\/revisions\/24180"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/archives.maihua.fr\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/24159"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/archives.maihua.fr\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=24166"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/archives.maihua.fr\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=24166"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/archives.maihua.fr\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=24166"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}