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Nos 14 Novembre.
All posts by mai
is the future female?
this has just arrived at home… and I look at her all the time, and i adore her. you may know his author, (aka Obey Giant) for his campaign for Obama.
So watch out, today is the not woman day, it is the International Womens Day (in French, we say International Womens Rights Days).
So, it is the moment to buy flowers to your lady, it is the moment to “enact” respect for her : for example, you can act today you will from now on do half of the house work with her, apply the same rules with your daughter and son, take action to apply wages equality, go in the street, or anywhere else, to fight a new anti-patriarcal world, you can also read this incredible article from david wong to explore how popular culture has been shaping mens toxicity towards women, thought unconscious and not welcomed, in order to get over it! etc, etc.
1. yes, i love and support THE FUTURE IS FEMALE
it is key today that our creativity and energy can also participate in building a new society, when girls think they are as smart as boys (we now know, that by age of 6, they “believe” they are not), can imagine any possibilities for themselves, are and feel respected, as much as boys. etc
etc
etc
(i don’t go on, not because it is not interesting, but you already know better than me the rest of the list).
go and support!
2. no, I don’t agree with this movement
hahahah, what did I just say the contrary?! okay well, I support, but contest!
I don’t like the idea of a feminine or female hegemony to create a new world (even if men are more than welcomed, the name of the movement itself says something very “specific” doesn’t it?)
ladies, domination is a héritage… of patriarcat.
the feminine is not meant to rule the world. feminine is about complexity, openness, flow…
You already it, I mostly believe in complementarity between feminin and masculin. this society makes me dreams. i’ll come back to that very quickly.
I mostly think we should stop injonctions (i know, i just did one… fuck!). today, we have to fight for equality in rights and perspective for all genders, but we should (i did not say must okay?!) to ask women/girls to be strong and performant… you mean, as men/boys?!
I see how “lovely” this image is, but it is actually, not at all!
we can’t bear women who want to be mum at home (not modern), we can’t be bear women who don’t want children (against nature), who show their nipples (bitches!), wear a veil (submitted!), we ask them to show they have balls (hey, go, go, go now!) we ask them to disapear (an anorexic body is so fit for bikini isn’t it?!). and when I say “we”… both some men and some women are responsible for this system.
well… give us a break!
So here we are, that allows me to answer to all your comments on my gender-posts which were found rather normative : it is everything but what I wish. Go for multitude, go for plural singularities. But it has to be total, we have to stop normalizing women and men, whatever their choices may be. I just have the desire to put words and possible orientations when I can be lost on the gender question.
The right equality doesn’t mean that we are all the same or that we all aspire to the same things.
3/ In synthesis, I’m happy anyhow.
I think there is a big confusion (firstly, in my case though) about this notion of gender. Because it is the same people who says « the future is female » and the one who says « we don’t care about gender, it’s all about constructions, men, women all the same. by the away if you are a tiny bit open-minded you will notice that you are bisexual. »
…ahem !
Well not for me, I do not recognize myself in this. I claim to believe that there is a difference in men-women or rather masculinity-femininity and saying that the future is female, it’s saying that there is a difference not necessarily confined in normative concepts but considerable in another part of ourselves and our relations (here again, we’ll come back to this very soon…).
I love it. Come on, make love, not war.
THE FUTURE IS HUMAN
alors female le future?
elle vient d’arriver à la maison… et je la regarde sans cesse, et je l’aime d’amour. son auteur, Sheperd Fairey (aka Obey Giant) que vous connaissez sans doute aussi pour sa campagne pour Obama.
attention aujourd’hui, c’est pas le jour de la femme mais la journée internationale des droits des femmes (on en a parlé l’année dernière avec iggy).
Donc les chéri.es, c’est pas le moment d’offrir des fleurs à votre meuffe, c’est le moment de mettre la notion de respect en action : genre, c’est vous qui désormais ferez la moitié du ménage à la maison, qui défendrez votre fille même s’il faut acter que son frère mérite une punition, qui allez convaincre 1, 2, 3 personnes de votre entourage proche que non, la culture du viol n’est pas une fabulation, qui mettrez en place l’égalité salariale dans votre équipe, descendrez dans le rue, comme de votre canape, pour défendre un autre projet sociétal anti-patriarchal, vous lirez aussi cet article incroyable de david wong vous invitant à explorer comment la culture populaire construit votre toxicité, tout à fait inconsciente, involontaire mais bien réelle vis à vis des femmes, tout cela afin évidemment d’en sortir! etc, etc.
1. oui, j’adore et soutiens ce THE FUTURE IS FEMALE
il est primordial que notre créativité et notre énergie puissent participer à une société où les petites filles pensent enfin qu’elles sont aussi intelligentes que les garçons (suivez ce blog et lisez cet article, où l’on apprend qu’auj. dès 6 ans, les filles “comprennent” que les garçons sont plus intelligents), qu’elles imaginent tous les possibles possibles. qu’elles soient respectées et protégées autant que les garçons. etc
etc
etc
(je ne m’étends pas, non pas parce que ça n’est pas intéressant, mais parce que vous connaissez la liste mieux que moi).
allez soutenez!
2. non, je n’adhère pas à ce mouvement
hahahah, comment ça je viens de dire l’inverse? oui, bon ok. je soutiens mais conteste!
je n’aime pas faire penser qu’il faut une hégémonie féminine ou femelle pour gouverner un monde nouveau (même s’il est dit dans le manifesto que ça invite les hommes, le nom même du mouvement dit quelque chose non?).
la domination, c’est un héritage… du patriarcat.
le féminin n’est pas destiné à diriger. le féminin, c’est intégrer une complexité, une ouverture, un accord, un “flow”.
Vous le savez, je crois beaucoup plus en la complémentarité masculin-féminin. c’est cette société là qui me fait rêver. on y revient très vite.
je crois surtout qu’il faut cesser les injonctions. aujourd’hui, il faut oui se battre pour l’égalité des genres dans leurs droits et perspectives, mais il faut aussi arrêter de demander aux femmes/filles d’être fortes et performantes… vous voulez dire, comme des hommes/garçons?!
je vois bien l’idée “sympa” derrière cette image, mais au fond, c’est au secours.
on ne supporte pas qu’elles fassent le voeux de rester mère au foyer (pas assez moderne), on ne supporte pas qu’elles ne veuillent pas d’enfant (contre nature), qu’elles montrent leurs seins (salopes!), qu’elles se voilent (soumises!), on leur demande de prouver qu’elles en ont (allez, faut y aller là!), on leur demande de disparaitre (un corps anorexique porte mieux le bikini nan?!)… et je je dis on, il y a aussi des hommes que des femmes responsables de tout ce système.
nan mais… foutez nous la paix!
donc voilà, ça me permet de répondre aussi à tous vos messages qui trouvaient mes posts sur le genre assez normatifs : c’est tout sauf ce que je désire. vive la multitude, les singularités plurielles. mais qu’elles soient totales, qu’on arrête de normer les femmes, et les hommes, quelque soit leur choix. j’ai juste le désir de mettre des mots et des orientations possibles là où je me trouve parfois paumée sur la question des genres.
l’égalité des droits ne veut pas dire qu’on est tous pareils, ou que l’on aspire tous aux mêmes choses.
3/ en synthèse, je suis quand même bien contente
je crois qu’il y a une très grande confusion (chez moi en premier donc) sur cette notion de genre. car ce sont les mêmes personnes qui disent “the future is female” et “nan mais les genres on s’en fout, c’est que des constructions, hommes, femmes, c’est pareil! d’ailleurs si t’es un minimum ouvert.e d’esprit, tu verras que t’es bi!”
… euh…!
donc non pour moi, je ne me reconnais pas dedans. je revendique de croire qu’il y a une différence homme-femme, ou plutôt masculin-féminin. et dire que le future est femelle, c’est tout de même dire qu’il y a une différenciation, pas forcément circonscrite dans des concepts normatifs mais appréciable dans une autre partie de nos êtres et de nos relations (là encore, on n’y revient très vite…).
j’adore ça. allez, faisons l’amour et pas la guerre.
THE FUTURE IS HUMAN
Daring Vulnerability
Merci pour tous vos coms sur la vidéo de Brené Brown! Comme je vous le disais, je ne me suis donc pas arrêtée là et ai ensuite enchaîné sur son bouquin : How Daring Vulnerability will change the way you Live, Love, Lead and Parent (lien en Français). et je n’ai pas assez de mots pour vous dire comme cette lecture est… ! mais merde où sont les mots?
4 choses m’ont bouleversée dans ce livre :
1- le ton
La beauté de ce qu’elle partage vient de ce mélange entre cette quête presque spirituelle et le côté extrêmement scientifique de son approche.
ainsi vous saurez reconnaitre la différence entre la honte et la culpabilité et l’humiliation : la première vous donne envie de disparaitre tout entier.e, la seconde se relie à vos actes (et non à votre personne), la dernière à ce qu’une personne tierce vous fait subir.
l’excellence et la perfection (on en a parlé ici), etc etc
la vraie vulnérabilité et la fausse, etc etc
2- the wholeheartedness
Brené Brown a parlé dans la vidéo du courage (le coeur entier) et c’est franchement magnifique de vivre ensuite selon ce principe. ce coeur entier qui vous engage dans ce que vous faîtes, et vous montre dans votre entièreté, est un exercice de chaque jour. Vous savez que ça correspond à ma quête, et bien ça m’aide à aller plus loin et parfois de manière très simple et en même temps tellement compliqué pour moi (“hum, hum, hum, attention, attention, je vais te dire que je ne suis pas d’accord, okay?!”). en tout cas, pour une future ex-perfectionniste, je trouve ça très dur. mais cela m’ouvre un nombre de portes, vous pouvez pas savoir. ça m’en ferme aussi, mais du coup, ça se fait pas sur un malentendu, on sait pourquoi ça se ferme. alors, dans le deux cas, je me trouve gagnante.
3- anesthésie de la joie
j’ai adoré qu’elle parle des différentes manières que nous avons d’anesthésier notre vulnérabilité : je n’avais jamais pensé à la joie. nous sommes tous à imaginer des choses horribles au moment même où nous éprouvons de la joie : c’est vrai, ça pourrait se finir avec un crash de voiture tout ça. ce qu’elle montre avec ses innombrables itw est que les personnes qui ont effectivement perdu un proche dans un accident de voiture, n’ont pas été mieux préparé en imaginant le pire avant. ils ont en revanche détruit la joie, au moment où ils auraient pu la partager.
les personnes qui embrassent la vie, dans ses hauts comme dans ses bas, pratiquent la joie, la gratitude, ont aussi plus de force, de resistance, etc… comme quoi!
4- la répartition genrée de la honte
une autre idée qui m’a bouleversée est que l’utilisation de la honte se fait différemment selon les genres.
ainsi une femme doit être mince, jolie et modeste. si elle sort de ces 3 critères, elle sera vilipendée. ou en tout cas, on tentera de lui faire ressentir de la honte. c’est affreux non?
mais…
j’ai trouvé que c’était pire encore pour les hommes! Pour des raisons assez évidentes, Brené Brown explique que le début de ses recherches sur la honte n’avait porté que sur les femmes, jusqu’à ce que lors d’une soirée de présentation, un père de famille se pointe et lui demande pourquoi rien n’était fait sur les hommes. et d’ajouter “parce que vous voyez ma femme et ma fille qui attendent là derrière, viennent vous applaudir quand vous parlez du principe de la honte, alors qu’elles préfèreraient me voir mort tombant d’ un cheval que n’arrivant pas à le monter.”
Brené s’est alors attaquée au genre masculin et c’est pas joli. la liste de choses honteuses “à éviter” si tu veux être “un homme, un vrai” est beaucoup plus longue (ne jamais rater, ne jamais montrer de faiblesse, être plutôt homophobe etc… ) et est énormément perpétuée… par des femmes.
Wahou ça m’a beaucoup fait réfléchir sur cette société que nous aimerions voir émerger. et la manière dont hommes, comme femmes, nous avons totalement intégré sans le vouloir les valeurs traditionnelles du patriarcat. ça m’a aidé dans ma relation à “mes” différents hommes. yes!
5- et la parentalité dans tout ça?
oui ça fait 5 idées finalement (et tellement plus en fait). il y a deux idées force qui m’ont beaucoup plues :
5-1 soyez juste heureux quand vous voyez vos mômes (pas uniquement dans le “shit va falloir faire à manger / allez sors tes devoirs / as tu bien compris pourquoi tu n’as pas eu 20? / pfff quoi encore?! etc. )
5-2 soyez l’adulte que vous aimeriez qu’ils deviennent
vous voulez qu’ils aient quoi comme valeurs? les appliquez vous vous-même? elle montre comment la différence entre les valeurs affichées et pratiquées (en politique aussi) nous démonte totalement.
voilà, voilà, je vous invite très très chaleureusement à lire ce bouquin, qui oui a changé la façon dont je vis, aime, influence, éduque! pour les anglo-phones, allez voir son blog (avec même des manifesto à dl si ça vous chante)
GRATITUDE ETERNELLE A VOUS, BRENE !!!!
Daring Vulnerability
Thank you for all your comments on the Brené Brown video! As I was telling you, I didn’t stop there and I continued with another book: How Daring Vulnerability will change the way you Live, Love, Lead and Parent (link in French. And I don’t have enough words to tell you how this reading was…! Shit where are my words?!
4 things that overwhelmed me in this book :
1- The tone
The beauty of what she is sharing comes from this blend of an almost spiritual quest and the very scientific side to her approach.
Therefore you will know how to recognize the difference between shame, culpability and humiliation: the first makes you want to wholly disappear. The second connects to your action and not to yourself and the last connects you to what a third person makes you endure.
The excellence and perfection (we talked about it here), etc, etc…
The true vulnerability and the fake one etc…
2- the wholeheartedness
Brené Brown talked in the video about courage (wholeheartedness) and it’s frankly magnificent to live following this principle, this whole heart which engages you in what you are doing and showcases you wholly, it’s an everyday exercise. You know that it fits my quest and it helps me to go further and sometimes in a very simple manner but at the same time so complicated for me (“hum, hum, hum, watch out, I am going to say that I disagree, okay?” In any case for an ex-perfectionist, I find this very difficult. But it opens me to a number of doors, you don’t even know. It shuts some as well, thus it doesn’t happen because of a misunderstanding, you know why it closes. So in both cases I find myself winning.
3- The Anesthesia of Joy
I loved that she talked about the various ways we have to anesthetize our vulnerability: I never thought about joy. We are all imagining horrible things at the very same moment when we are experiencing joy: it’s true it could all end up in a car crash. What she demonstrates with her numerous interviews is that people who actually lost a loved one in a car crash weren’t better prepared by imagining the worst prior to it. They however destroyed the joy. At the moment when they could have shared it.
People who embrace life, during it’s peaks and valleys, practicing joy, gratitude, have also more strength, more resistance, etc… which goes to show!
4- The Shame of Typecast Repetition
Another idea that overwhelmed me is the usage of shame differs depending on the type.
A woman is supposed to be thin, pretty and modest. If she falls outside those 3 criteria, she will be vilified or at least some people will try to make her feel shameful, it’s horrible isnt’ it?
but…
I found out that it was even worst for men! For obvious reasons. Brené Brown explains that the beginning of her research was essentially targeting women, until one evening during a presentation a family man shows up and asked why nothing was done about men. And to add “because you see my wife and daughter waiting in the back, they came to applaud you talking about the shame principle, although they would rather see me dead falling off a horse then not being able to ride one.”
Brené then started to tackle the male type and it wasn’t pretty. The list of shameful things “to avoid” if you want to be a man, a ”real one” is much longer (to never fail, no never show weakness, to be homophobic etc.…) and is perpetuated by… women.
Wahou ça m’a beaucoup fait réfléchir sur cette société que nous
Wow it really made me think a lot about this society which we would like to see emerge and the manner in which men and women have unintentionally completely integrated those traditional patriarchal values. It helped me in the relationship to “my” different men. Yes!
5- What about Parenthood in all of that?
Yes that makes 5 ideas finally (and so many more actually). There are two main ideas that I liked a lot:
5-1 Just be happy when you see your kids (not only when “shit I need to prepare dinner / pull out your homework / do you understand why you didn’t have a good grade / pff, what now? Etc…)
5-2 Be the adult that you want them to become
what kind of value do you want them to have? Do you really apply them yourself? She shows us how the difference between the showcased and applied value (in politics too) are totally dismounting us.
So there you go, I invite you very warmly to read this book, which changed the way I live, love, influence and educate! For the English speaking go see her blog (with some manifestos if you are into those)
ETERNAL GRATITUDE TO YOU BRENÉ !!!!
Remember Brené
Huge slap in the face!!! Huge! The other day, Jerry tells me “come I need to show you something!” so I sat in the front of this video and I am totally absorbed by what I see and hear, it’s talking to me in a big way! THANK YOU! Jerry said the same to Grayson at the time, who by the way talks about it in his book, and in the video we did together: Vulnerability has immense power!
I would like you to tell me what you are thinking about it because I find this video so enlightening! What is vulnerability for you? Are you practicing it?
Tell me and on Friday I’ll talk to you about his book… incredible! Because I just didn’t stop with it and moved to his other book: How Daring Vulnerability will change the way you Live, Love, Lead and Parent (links in French).
To be continued.
Until then tell me all and don’t hesitate to share this world changing video!
Remember Brené
Enorme claque!!!! énorme! l’autre jour, Jerry me dit “viens je te montre quelque chose!” je m’assois devant cette vidéo et suis totalement absorbée par ce que je vois et entends. ça me parle, ça me parle! MERCI! Jerry avait à l’époque dit la même chose à Grayson, qui d’ailleurs en parle dans son bouquin, et dans la vidéo faite ensemble : la vulnérabilité est d’un immense pouvoir!
Alors j’aimerais bien que vous me disiez ce que vous en pensez, car je trouve cette longue vidéo tellement éclairante! c’est quoi la vulnérabilité pour vous? la pratiquez-vous?
dîtes moi et vendredi, je vous parle de son livre… incroyable! car je ne me suis pas arrêtée là et ai ensuite enchaîné sur son bouquin : How Daring Vulnerability will change the way you Live, Love, Lead and Parent (lien en Français).
affaire à suivre!
d’ici là dîtes moi tout et n’hésitez pas à partager cette vidéo, qui change le monde!
C’est tout Moi
hello les cheris.
encore mille mille mercis pour tous vos com et partages sur le dernier post. il y a beaucoup beaucoup de questions et je ferai certainement un autre post complet pour y répondre. encore merci. je suis heureuse que l’on puisse cheminer ensemble!
d’ici là, je voulais vous parler d’un autre truc. L’autre soir, nous avons réalisé un nouvel atelier avec Mélissa chez Seymour+. Nous avions parlé ici de ce jeu « C’est tout Moi », où l’on donne à chacun un objet qu’il doit décrire en commençant avec « c’est tout moi parce que… ».
Ainsi, là où chacun pourrait mettre une limite (bah ouais quoi, je suis pas un dé… MERDE !), la personne développe une écoute « embrassant » un objet extérieur à lui (c’est tout moi car j’ai plein de facettes). Cette écoute peut alors ensuite se développer dans une discussion, brainstorm etc. avec d’autres… humains.
Donc là, nous avions demandé à chaque participant de venir avec une photo dont il pourrait dire « cette photo c’est tout moi parce que ». Ensuite, nous avons intervertit et demandé à chacun de prendre la photo d’une autre personne pour écrire un texte commençant donc par « c’est tout moi ».
Je n’avais aucune idée de ce que cela allait donner et Mélissa m’a dit « bah dis le ! » . Alors je l’ai dit à tout le monde et ça nous a fait rire. Là où on n’a plus du tout rigolé c’est ensuite. Parce que les 20 textes décrivaient à chaque fois, non pas l’écrivant, mais l’histoire de la personne dont c’était la photo.
Donc à partir d’une photo, une personne qui ne te connait pas est capable de te dire « tout toi », de manière fine et implacable. C’était déconcertant, parfois ennuyant (ça fait chier quoi qu’on sache tout !). Enfin surtout, c’était magique !
Déjà les textes étaient magnifiques, ensuite il y avait une écoute, un soutien, quelque chose d’unique alors que personne ne se connaissait. Ensuite, parce que la seule chose que la personne pouvait écrire de l’autre et qu’elle ne s’autorisait pas à elle-même était toujours de l’ordre de « ce que je suis belle/beau. » et alors, je vous encourage à le faire.
Ça m’a rappelé cet exercice de Sasha où en 3sec, on pouvait capter une personne. Alors c’est flippant et en même temps incroyable : nous sommes tous des livres ouverts. C’est l’expérience anti-Dorian Gray.
Nous sommes repartis secoués et émus. Toujours inconnus, mais nous connaissant désormais profondément.
C’est génial non ?
Yeah, that’s me
The other night, we did a new workshop with Melissa at Seymour+. We talked here about this game “This is so me” where each participant is given an object which they must describe by starting with “This is so me because…”
Therefore, where each could set a limit (well yeah, I am not a dice… SHIT!), there the person develops perspective “by embracing” a foreign object (this is so me because I am multifaceted). This perspective can then develop within a conversation, brainstorm etc. with other… humans.
So this time we asked each participant to come with a picture of which they could say “this photo is so me because.” Then we switched it and asked each participant to take someone else’s photo and to write a text starting by “this is so me because.”
I had no idea what the outcome would be and Melissa told me “well say it!” So I told everyone and it made us all laugh. Where we stopped laughing came a bit later. Because the next 20 texts didn’t describe the writer, but the person to whom the photo belonged.
Therefore if you start with a photo, a person who doesn’t know you is capable of telling “everything about you” in a sharp and ruthless manner. Its mindboggling and sometimes annoying (it blows that someone knows it all). But most of it, it was magical!
To start with, the texts were magnificent, and then there was listening, a support system, something unique even though no one knew each other. Furthermore because the only thing that a person could write about the other while not being able to do for themselves, was always along the lines of “I am so pretty/beautiful.” So then I am encouraging you to do so.
It reminded me of that exercise with Sasha where in 3 seconds, you could capture a person. It’s frightening and incredible at the same time: we are all open books. It’s the anti-Dorian Grey experience.
We all left shook-up and emotional. Still not knowing each other, but knowing each other deeply.
It’s quite amazing isn’t it?
Future ex-Perfectionnist
Hello ya all,
wanted to talk about this thing that is really important to me. The desire for perfection. I mean the one that I have been practicing (because it is actually offered under many different shapes).
I just read a book about vulnerability; I will get back to it, where the author Brené Brown speaks succinctly about the ideal of perfection, the ideal that is not the one of excellence. The perfection comes from the need of outside validation and the excellence is from the desire of doing the best we can as depending on your own value.
Perfection is without a doubt a trap in which many of us are falling into unintentionally and if my experience can help a few to change direction, then that would be good. This post is also for a few of us (I wanted to write “you” of course but will leave this revealing slip where it belongs) who have asked me about this question of “how to stop being/act like a little girl” because many little girls, and I was one of them, grow up with the idea that they had to be perfect.
To match the expectation of others (being beautiful, intelligent, funny, humble, or even, imperfect… codes are evolving) is a trap in many ways.
1- i built myself like a shell, that was perfect but empty.
Obviously I wasn’t empty but it took me 30 years to understand and to go check out what was “inside.” Spending my time to be performant was my favorite sport. And I was incredibly good at it (yes, otherwise it doesn’t work right?!) At the same time it was a matter of survival. And yes kids take these things very much at heart… then I could only invest in fields where I performed extremely well (school, my look). Impossible however to read because I found myself too slow, impossible to sing because someone told me I sounded off tune, Impossible to play croquet until I was 30 years old because I couldn’t bear the idea of missing the arches. (Holy crap I was severely challenged).
2- I thought that being successful was to be “amiable.”
So if the goal, unconscious is to perform then that means that unconsciously there is a valorization system (that is indeed exterior) to validate performance. At 28 years old, I was married with a man I loved, intelligent, successful and magnificent. I was beautiful, kind, helpful and pregnant. I had diplomas and I was sufficiently free to leave L’Oréal to go back to school. More importantly for creative studies. Everything was lining-up. Everything was perfect. And I was so happy. And without challenging either the sincerity of my actions or my feelings, I was fulfilled because it was, still unconsciously, a series of achievements that were making me “objectively amiable”. This is where I talk to the little girl which maybe you can’t seem to leave behind: a child only needs one thing: to be loved. So the desire of perfection is basically a desire to be loved. This is why we continue, it is because we believe it the way we could be loved. but be careful if that works as a child, then once we become an adult… hehehe things are getting more complicated because…
3- The perfect child becomes a potentially toxic adult.
To think that perfection opens the gates of love is a false idea. Because if you read the previous paragraph again, it was mostly the gates of my ego that I was opening. Do you know the saying “too big for your own boots?”
Well whist I found myself frankly amiable (yep everything was perfect. Per-fect!). When in fact I was absolutely detestable.
Because where the ego is large… the consciousness and therefore the Other is necessarily very small.
Tâm was born and it became even worst: well yes she was perfect! We often think that people who “aren’t well” are tortured and cry all day. Well, no I was frankly in a bad way and frankly happy. I mean no, I wasn’t happy, but I thought I was. I felt something of the order of an immense satisfaction, very powerful and of protection as well. (Since I was unassailable?) Yes that’s it, my head was too big and I lost touch with reality.
So what should happen happened. My two best friends came one day to tell me “we don’t recognize you, you have become incredibly egocentric, we are fed-up and hurt, do you even realize that you said and did this, this and that?!”
And all of sudden, this arrow pierced me, and all of sudden I saw. This, this and that too. And all of sudden…
… De-vas-ta-tion.
4- Not being totally perfect but being totally lost.
What followed was a 6-month depression where I cried night and day, I was devastated for 3 reasons. Tâm was 2 months and he didn’t deserve that. This was the most awful but let’s not spread on that.
The 2 others reasons concerned more directly to the conflict and the object of my post. The first was because my friends were hurt due to me and the idea of being responsible for it was unbearable. But the second evidently was an ego wound. I couldn’t stand the idea that they thought “this” of me. No I wasn’t a bad person.
Because you weren’t allowed to think negatively of me. I who was doing everything great, who validated anything.
However… light came on in the cave. And it was all but pretty. A whole world was crumbling.
5- The relapses
A whole world takes time to rebuild itself, so we do and redo the same mistakes before we fully comprehend. I then didn’t wait long: right away.
I then came back with a long and beautiful letter. Taking consideration of this double devastation. Or evidently, the second part was practically taking the entirety of the letter (since my ego was taking my entirety)(logical) where I was “justifying my results.” Do you see where I am heading?
I didn’t understand. So they answered me: “you don’t understand.” It was so painful. But it was justified and life saving!
Because at this time, there is one thing that nobody cares about, it’s your (high) opinion (of yourself); what counts is your actions. It’s your actions that shows who you are. Not your opinion. And if someone tells you “you are hurting me” and that you respond “I am a good person.”, you can see that the action is off base, and still toxic (because while not talking about the pain of the other, you are in denial!). Ah the beautiful letter! I should have instead written an ordinary mail that simply said “how are you? I am so sorry and ask for your forgiveness. thank you for being sincere. I miss you and I love you, and I want to do everything to make amends. Forgive me.”
But of course such a message is only possible if the ego wound has been healed beforehand which wasn’t the case.
6- Grow
They didn’t let go. Me neither and we were finally agreeing: the issue was not on them, the issue was not our relationship, the issue was me. or at least a part of me. It was like an inner battle between my two selfs: my ego and everything else. this “everything else being my deep sorrow and maybe… my values. Who was I deep down?
Because despite the pain, what really saved me, us, were my uncompromising friends and my deep love for them: their wellbeing truly mattered to me. It was our affection and our mutual sadness too. Because at least it was true. And
the truth, as painful as it can be, is still the only space deserving to rebuild a relationship.
It happened a few times after this episode that I acted in an egotistic manner, by lack of consciousness, of discernment: and consequently 11 years went by to really comprehend what happened, to peel off the layers, to revisit and to find words. Profound changes take time.
And today my ego hasn’t totally vanished, we’ll talk about it again, but I learn to tame this dark side of me, at least in recognizing it when it surfaces (well as soon as the feeling of power comes back).
The ego is not bad in itself either. I wouldn’t be doing everything that I am doing here without a minimum of ego, but well…
But if it is easier for to get my ego to the right place, i still suffer from the “perfectionistis”, in other shapes, with other traps. once again profound changes take time.
But this painful episode made me grow and I think that one must accept the pain if one want change, because building is so strong that it cannot be shattered in gentleness.
I would even say that this episode saved my life, because it valued my very essence beyond my (dys) function.
And I don’t know anything more precious than to look, to listen to the Other. I have hunger for her, of the present time which presents itself to us like a gift, my turn to feed them, as well.
and my friends are still there, and our bond is so strong, because it is so true.
In any case if you recognize some signs (yes, frankly it is an illness), for yourself or your closed ones (your daughters?) well know that it’s urgent to do something, for yourself like for the Other. Because this Other, is precisely where love is possible, true and great. And this Other, could be your friend, your child, your soul sister… or yourself indeed We all have a responsibility toward our own kind. This world of perceived perfection is a world of illusion and life won’t miss an opportunity to let you know.
I especially would like to tell you that there is an after and much more, that you are “worth” much more than that… if there is the desire to change. And that even if nothing holds its value in the same way afterwards, if it is never “perfectly” over, it’s much more beautiful. It is a picture where you accept to look so awful because it makes us laugh so so much. It’s 11 years later, some chocolate on Tâm’s teeth, it’s simply… life!
Thousand of kisses.